Not everyone is e-vited to this party, because Derek Jeter will be visiting only four National League stadiums this year.
The Arizona Diamondbacks won’t be able to give him a No. 2 jersey from the 2011 All-Star Game at Chase Field which he skipped. And the Cincinnati Reds don’t get to hand Jeter a Chad Mottola baseball card (career batting average, .200), depicting the player they chose fifth in the 1992 amateur draft, ahead of guess-who at No. 6.
But that still leaves plenty of cities and stadiums on the 2014 Jeter Farewell Tour, with much mawkish bounty to be distributed. What to give the shortstop who has everything? Here, a few ceremonial and gift suggestions, to go along with the road tour schedule:
At Houston Astros, April 1-3
First stop, a presentation by Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte of all the syringes, creams and pills Jeter could have used, but didn’t, during his 20-year career.
At L.A. Angels, May 5-7
A lineup along the third base line of all Jeter’s ex-girlfriends, led off by L.A.-born Minka Kelly and Californian Jessica Alba. Not sure if Jeter will enjoy this, but that’s his problem.
At Milwaukee Brewers, May 9-11
The original scouting report from Brewers special assistant Dick Grouch, who first signed Jeter for Yanks. At bottom, if you look closely, it says, “Let George Steinbrenner think it was his idea all along.”
At Mets, May 13-14
A bill from the Wilpons for the $ 1 billion in ticket sales that Jeter cost their franchise, upstaging the Mets over two decades and five championships. Jeter can start paying his debt with the 2000 World Series MVP trophy, for his .409 batting average, two homers and 19 total bases.
At Chicago Cubs, May 20-21
A billygoat, and a contract offer to hang around Wrigley Field once in a while after retirement, just for good luck.
At Chicago White Sox, May 23-25
A rocking chair made of white socks, because someone always gives a rocking chair. Let’s just hope it’s the only one.
At St. Louis Cardinals, May 26-28
A notarized letter from Ozzie Smith indicating that, yes, Jeter was the better all-around shortstop despite sabermetric-obsessed Cardinal fans who still ignore Smith’s .262 career batting average.
At Kansas City Royals, June 6-9
Model of a mom-and-pop grocery store next to a Walmart, to remind Jeter why some small-market franchises haven’t been able to compete with the Yankees since the mid-1990s.
At Seattle Mariners, June 10-12
A formal letter of apology, for drafting Alex Rodriguez in 1993 and nurturing his young career.
At Oakland A’ s, June 13-15
A shovel, for his famous relay in 2001 during Game 3 of the American League Championship Series. Jeremy Giambi will deliver it to him at home plate, only he’ll slide this time.
At Minnesota Twins, July 3-6
No need for a gift. Paid in advance. Just hand over the receipt for four, one-sided ALDS series.
At Cleveland Indians, July 7-10
Two free beers to drink in the clubhouse during the game, from manager Terry Francona.
At Texas Rangers, July 28-30
Several formal letters of apology, for sending A-Rod to the Yankees in 2004.
At Detroit Tigers, Aug. 26-28
A new left ankle, with free surgical services for life. It’s the least they can do, after Jeter suffered his worst career injury fielding a 12th-inning grounder by Jhonny Peralta in Game 1 of the 2012 ALCS.
At Toronto Blue Jays, Aug. 29-31
The third base bag where Ken Huckaby tagged Jeter and dislocated his left shoulder in a collision during Opening Day, 2003. Huckaby also will hand Jeter the cell phone he used to try to apologize in vain, many times. Maybe, 11 years later, Derek will more graciously forgive the poor guy.
At Baltimore Orioles, Sept. 12-14
A revised scorecard from Game 1 of the 1996 American League Championship Series that records a simple flyout by Jeter in the bottom of the eighth inning, instead of a game-tying home run. Presented to him by Tony Tarasco.
At Tampa Bay Rays, Sept. 15-17
Forget the pregame ceremony. Instead, David Price will offer up another fat pitch to Jeter in the first inning, like the one that led to that 3000th hit, a homer.
At Boston Red Sox, Sept. 26-28
One sour grape. Too late now to get all sentimental.
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via Great Local News: New York http://ift.tt/1iZiLP1
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